Burnt Bacon: Avril Lavigne

Last night I was a judge for a chilli (or chili) contest.  We had seven chillis to sample and all of them were scrummy in their own way.  Two of them really brought the spice home.  There was the Indian (as in India Indian not American Indian) Ass Kicking Spice Chilli and there what the Star Trek Geek Set Phases To Kill Chilli.  We got those one after the other and hot damn did they fire up my mouth.  Both of ’em looked great.  They tasted delicious.  Knocked my senses around for a while.  Then this morning came and they said “hello” to me again.

Some things are like that.  Good looking, spicy, scrummy and tasty, but come back to burn you in the ass later.  Kinda reminds me of today’s Burnt Bacon.

She is scrummy but what a waste of talent.

This week’s Burnt Bacon is . . .

 

Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne. I'd hit that.

Avril Lavigne. I'd hit that.

My girl Avril has a lot going for her.  She is cute.  Even now she still looks like jailbait which gets my cock extra hard extra fast.  She has a great voice. And . . .  Okay, actually other than her body and her voice she’s really got nothing.

Why is Avril Burnt Bacon?

I could mention she is Canadian.  But that’s really kinda low.  I use to not have anything against Canadians until I grew tired of listening to their self-righteous shit.  Canada is rapidly becoming the France of the Western Hemisphere.  Except France is cool in three respects.  Over 80% of their electricity come from nuclear power.  The girls are legal at 14.  For sex I mean, not driving.  I’ll do the driving.  All she needs to do is make noise at the right times.  Thirdly the French don’t have this irrational fear we have in the States about children drinking alcohol.

Other than that France sucks.  I firmly believe we should have let Germany have France at the end of World War II as a consolation prize.

Or that we should use France to test nuclear weapons.

 

Avril Lavigne. I'd still hit that.

Avril Lavigne. I'd still hit that.

But I digress.  Back to Avril.

Seriously.  I really like her voice. No sarcastic at all.  And seriously – I really wanna shoot my load in her face over and over and over until I’m dry.

But her songs.  Oh fucking kill me.  Who writes this shit? Avril claims she does and I believe it.  When she cut her first album she was 17 years old (and I will mention she was also highly fuckable as well) and I can understand why she has songs with titles like “Sk8ter Boi” and the subject of her songs is puppy love and high school drama & trauma.

He was a sk8er boi she said see ya later boi.
He wasn’t good enough for her.
Now he’s a superstar
slamming on his guitar
to show pretty face what he’s worth.

Oh so fucking deep.  Or how bout this sample from “Anything But Ordinary”.

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I’d rather be anything but ordinary please
I’d rather be anything but ordinary please.

Avril Lavigne. I'd hit that again.

Avril Lavigne. I'd hit that again.

 

Oh the teenage angst!  I’m gonna cry and run my mascara.  But hey, she was 17.  It’s cool.  Really.

Now it’s nine years later and she is 26.  What is Avril giving us?  More teen-angst shit.

In 2007 she released “Best Damn Thing” with the over-played and over-hyped “Girlfriend” song.

Hey! Hey! You! You!

I don’t like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
I know it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

Avril?  What the fuck?  You were 23 when this happened.  Were you really still emotionally and mentally 15 years old?

Now her new album “Goodbye Lullaby” is out.  I haven’t heard it yet, but the lyrics don’t look promising.  From the song “4 Real”.

‘Cause I’m for real
Are you for real?
I can’t help myself
It’s the way I feel
When you look me in the eyes like you did last night
I can’t stand to hear you say goodbye
But it feels so right
‘Cause it feels so right just to have you standing by my side
So don’t let me go
Cause you have my soul

Avril Lavigne. I'm trying to decide if I'd hit that.

Avril Lavigne. I'm trying to decide if I'd hit that.

Nothing makes me gag more than the word “soul” used in poetry and lyrics. Well almost nothing.  There was this one chyck who was really hot, I mean supermodel hot, but when I got my face down there you could tell from the smell that she didn’t clean up often enough.  That made me gag more than the word “soul”.  But only by a fraction.

But I digress.  Oh the joy of teen-angst-romance.  It’s feels so right for him to be standing there.  Yea, wait until you have to pick up his dirty socks then get back to me on how it feels.

Writing song titles in txt language (if you can call that language) is cute when you are 17.  When you are 26 and your song is called “4 Real” you are just announcing that you are still emotionally immature.

And here is a sample from the blindingly originally titled song “I Love You”.

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
I like the way you misbehave
When we get wasted
But that’s not why I love you
And how you keep your cool
When I am complicated
But that’s not why I love you

She likes the way he (or maybe she – by Jupiter’s cock that would be fucking hot, see next paragraph) misbehaves when they get wasted.  Really?  You are 26 and singing songs about getting wasted?  Avril.  Honey.  Sugar-pie.  You are blinding hot.  I would shoot my load just walking within 3 feet of you.  That’s approximately one meter for you French & Canadian sissies.  But damn girl.  High school is over.

A digression.  Imagine that.  You know what would make me kill myself?  Getting to fuck Lindsay Lohan and Avril Lavigne at the same time.  Just watching them freak each other would cause me to pass out from the reduced blood flow to my brain. After that threesome I would literally kill myself because everything after that would be empty of meaning.

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Looking like you are 16 is hot.  Acting like you are 16 is not.

The first song from her new album which is being hyped is “What The Hell”.  Let’s take a look into the mind of a 26 year old musician.

You say that I’m messing with your head
All ’cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it’s right or wrong
I can’t stop ’cause I’m having too much fun

So you can make out with his friend and that’s cool?  If he was pumping your sister doggie style I bet you wouldn’t feel that way.

So what if I go out on a million dates?
You never call or listen to me anyway
I’d rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don’t get me wrong, I just need some time to play

Avril Lavigne. I just might think I'd hit that.

Avril Lavigne. I just might think I'd hit that.

Oh that’s mature.  He never calls you?  Maybe he’s working.  Maybe he has a job.  Maybe he’s not possessive and clingy.  Can you call him?  Do you know how to use that smart phone that never leaves your hand or do you just use it to take photos of yourself naked in the mirror?  A million dates?  With who?  Is this an open relationship?  Can he date other people or is that just you?  You need some time to play?  You mean dress like a skank and contract venereal diseases?

The rest of the song is equally immature and selfish.  This song could be Paris Hilton’s theme song. I mean these lyrics are fucking lame.  And I’d post a photo of Paris Hilton but I do have some fucking class.

If Avril could grow up and write some intelligent songs she would be totally kick ass. Avril here is your homework assignment.

  1. Put down the booze.
  2. Turn off the cell phone.
  3. Learn how to spell.
  4. Listen to albums by some people who can write about shit other than hormones.  Specific suggestions include:

Women with perspective and talent:
Sarah McLachlan
Lisa Loeb (“Tails” is one of the best albums ever.  Ever.)
Joan Armatrading (Emphasis on the older works where Joan attempted to teach women how to write songs about love that don’t suck.  But none of you listened.)

And for general brilliance in writing lyrics with meaning about things other than getting drunk and fucking strangers:
Pink Floyd
Pete Townshend

Avril.  You really need to try harder to suck less. You’ve been left in the pan way too long and it’s time to get out while you still can.  Keep looking slutty but stop singing slutty.  I know there isn’t much difference between a musician with a contact at a major label and a whore but if you don’t stop you are going to be 47 years old and performing at high school proms.

Avril Lavigne. By Jupiter's cock I'd hit that!  Twice!

Avril Lavigne. By Jupiter's cock I'd hit that! Twice!

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