Burnt Bacon: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is Burnt Bacon

The first Burnt Bacon required no thought for me at all.  It’s Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been called a tartlet and a skank and everything else that one calls a woman you wouldn’t take home to mother.  But home to mother isn’t where I want to take her.  People are down on my girl LiLo ’cause she is hotter than they will ever be. What makes Lindsay so smokin’ delicious?

Lindsay Lohan. That's my girl.

Lindsay Lohan. That's my girl.

1.  Let me get this out of the way.  I would fuck Lindsay Lohan 17 different ways on Sunday and Monday morning start with a whole new routine.

2.  Lindsay was banned from Madonna’s Oscar bash.  If Madonna will not associate with you that can only be a good thing.  Madonna still has talent?  Madonna ever had talent?  Who the fuck is Madonna and who cares?

3.  Attitude.  See image at right.

4.  She is on Twitter.  http://twitter.com/lindsaylohan Granted she doesn’t have as many followers as Charlie Sheen.  Life goes on tho.

5.  She wants to play a zombie on The Walking Dead.  Appropriate as her career is dead.  Couldn’t help myself.

Finally let me say this.  You kids out there are just haters.  She is bi-sexual (as are all women actually) and yet she gets shit over this.  Wow.  Nice “diversity” and “tolerance” going on there for the GLBGTIDKPDEECDPKDHY community.  Or whatever they are calling themselves this week.  She digs chycks.  This is something to rag on someone about?  Now that’s some hating.  Chycks are hot.  I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t think chycks are hot because there is obviously something wrong with such a person.

LiLo rocks the ankle bracelet.

LiLo rocks the ankle bracelet.

Did I mention that she’s hot?  No?  Lindsay is smokin’ fucking hot.  I’d lick her ass until my tongue goes dry.

And she can totally rock an ankle bracelet.  I wonder if she stole that as well?  Damn, couldn’t resist that one either.

Oh yea. And redhead.  By Jupiter’s cock!  Red.  Fucking.  Head.

Then why the hell isn’t LiLo a Unicorn Butter Woman?

Because someone left her in the pan for too long and now she’s burnt bacon.  I don’t keep up with celebrities and Hollywood gossip and all that other shit.  I am pretty sure I hardly know much at all about Lindsay’s fuck-ups but even as out of touch as I am I know that this girl is a mess.

By mess I mean total train wreck.  I’m talking one line of cocaine short of a Charlie Sheen meltdown.

Just a short summery.  And another excuse for me to have a numbered list.

Lindsay Lohan. A class act.

Lindsay Lohan. A class act.

1.  She is on probation for DUI.  Really?  When you have that much money hire a fucking driver so you can get drunk and she can drive.  LiLo, do you have any sense?  Get with the program.

Important note – when hiring a driver always hire a hot chyck.  Hence my comment that “she can drive”.  Then when you get home and you are still drunk . . . she can drive.

2.  Then she fucked up on probation (not surprising since probation is designed to screw people over) and spent some time in jail.  Which would have been great if I was in the cell with her but it didn’t go down that way.

3.  Lindsay did the mandatory time at the Betty Ford Centre.  All “real celerities” have to do that.

4.  She has been accused of stealing a $2500 necklace.  Remains to be seen as of this time if she is found guilty or not.  She has pleaded innocent and it’s going to be tried by a jury.  She claims she didn’t do it.  I don’t know enough about the situation to have an opinion.  But really?  Who gets into this kind of drama?  Even if she didn’t do it this is still lame.

5.  She has a MySpace page.  http://www.myspace.com/lindsaylohan Really?  MySpace?   Hey LiLo, 2002 called, they want their social media back.

6.  Her fans are idiots.  Quote from http://lindsaylohanfans.net/life/

When defining Lindsay just two words come in everyone’s mind. Beauty with the brains!

Those are four words moron.

Grow up drunk bitch. You aren't 21 any more.

Grow up drunk bitch. You aren't 21 any more.

7.  She has a piece of metal stuck in her stomach.  I know that piercing are currently considered attractive.  Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that piercings are considered a mark of sexually permissive people much like tramp stamps.  I may be alone in not being impressed by people who stick pieces of metal thru parts of their body.  Lindsay, if you need something hard stuck into your body all you have to do is call me. I’ll fill that desire for you.

8.  While she makes some noises about growing up and being a creative artist she still acts like an eighteen-year-old who just moved out of mommy’s house.

9.  As mentioned previously she seems to also lack common sense.  If you want to get drunk hire someone to drive you around so you don’t get busted.  Us poor folk don’t have that option but I’m pretty sure LiLo did and does.




Burnt Bacon: Lindsay Lohan — 6 Comments

    • Yea. She will be going by Lindsay.

      Or her prisoner number.

      Or if I have my way “Skippy’s bitch”.

      Let’s see how it all shakes out.