Unicorn Butter Women?

Okay. What the hell is Unicorn Butter Women? You know you wanna know.  Ask me.  Go ahead.  Ask.

Sorry, didn’t quite hear you.  What was that?

Oh. What is Unicorn Butter Women?  Good question.  Thanks for asking.  Here’s the story.  Such as I understand it.

It’s all because of Twitter.  One day some friends and I starting sending tweets about unicorns.  I don’t know why.  It simply happened.  Then the tweets were about unicorn steak and how tasty it would be.  Of course you put butter on steak.  Since it’s unicorn steak it would make sense to put unicorn butter on the unicorn steak.

Unicorn Steak with Olives on a bed of Lettuce.

Unicorn Steak with Olives on a bed of Lettuce.

Now is unicorn butter simply butter which is put upon unicorn?

Or is unicorn butter actually butter which is made from unicorn?

Now that’s the question ain’t it?

We got unicorn butter.  With me so far?  Good.  Unicorns are tasty.  Butter is tasty.  Unicorn butter must be twice, maybe even three or four tines as tasty.  What’s even more tasty than that?  Muffins.


Yes, muffins.

Not muffins as in the baked goods.  Muffins as in women.  Girls.  Females.  Ladies.  Chycks.  Muffins.

Back in the day when my website had animated GIFs on it . . . Every time you upload an animated GIF to the internet a kitten dies. Just saying.  Back in the day my website had a section dedicated to muffins.  Super hot, super tasty, supper yummy women of all sorts.  These were the muffin pages.  I don’t have such a thing on my website any more as I’m too classy for that.

Notice how I wrote that with an almost straight face.

Still with me?  Unicorn butter is tasty.  Muffins (women) are tasty.  If you put unicorn butter on women . . . what could be more tasty than that?

Not a fucking thing that’s what.

Buy now most of you have run away screaming because I’m a sexist pig.  Like I care.  Some of you are still here.  Namely:

  1. Men.
  2. Boys.
  3. Hot chycks (aka muffins)
  4. Women who have a sense of humour and don’t go thru life looking to be offended all the time.  All seven of you.

    Unicorn Butter Woman

    Unicorn Butter Woman. Yummy!

So that’s the first part.  Every Monday Unicorn Butter Women will feature a woman who is super delicious in one way or another.

Yup. I just made a commitment.  Every Monday.  You think I can’t do it don’t you?  Well I’m gonna prove you wrong.  Or I’m not going to prove you wrong.  One or the other.

I know what else you are thinking.  Really I do.  You aren’t as deep as you think you are.  You are thinking . . .

This sexist pig is gonna be posting photos of skinny girls with big plastic tits wearing tiny bikinis.

No.  That’s not it.  It’s gonna be skinny girls with big boobs who are naked.  Just kidding.  I’m actually not into huge plastic tits.

Seriously now, I’m gonna be serious for two sentences.  Unicorn Butter Women will not be selected only for their looks.  Okay, some of them will, but some will be selected for other important traits like actual accomplishments and intelligence. And ability to use a vacuum cleaner while making a pie.  I said I’d be serious for two sentences.  That’s what you got.

That puts us half way there.

What you ask is burnt bacon?

I have to explain ever thing don’t I?

What is the worst tasting thing ever?  Start with this – what is the best tasting thing ever?  Other than unicorn steak with unicorn butter on it?


Don’t argue with me.  Bacon is the ultimate.

What happens when you burn bacon?  You ruin something that could have been awesome.

Hence Burnt Bacon.  Burnt Bacon will publish every Thursday and will feature a women who could have been Unicorn Butter but instead turned out to be a total failure.

I will take nominations from all of you out there for both Unicorn Butter Women and Burnt Bacon.

There it is.  That’s the story.  Wish you hadn’t asked don’t you?

Yea.  Me too.  I could have spent this time googling for unicorn porn.



Unicorn Butter Women? — 5 Comments

  1. Hi Matt;

    Extra Crunchy. Creamy is lame. Unless you are talking about Unicorn Butter Women. In that case creamy is the way to go.

    The amazingness is a bit behind schedule. But it’s coming. Oh, it’s coming.

  2.  I think it would be really difficult to milk a unicorn.  But considering the quick rate at which unicorn foals grow, they must produce quite a bit of milk.  

    •  The thing about milking unicorns is that you can’t use modern equipment. The magical aura around unicorns inhibits electronic and mechanical functions. Unicorns can only be milked by virgins. That’s why it takes me . . . I mean my friend . . . so long to milk them. Hence unicorn butter is very hard to come by.

      • Well, you can sometimes use modern equipment if virgins assembled it but, yes, virgin milking is usually the cheapest way.  You also have to have virgins running the secret websites to sell the unicorn products, but, so far, that hasn’t been much of a problem.