Burnt Bacon: Tara Reid

I flew into Newark Airport and was pretty sure we were gonna die.  We arrived early (good thing) and had to take a holding pattern until there was an open runway (bad thing).  The air was turbulent.  Normally I enjoy some bump in my ride.  If she just lays there like a dead fish that’s kinda lame. I also enjoy some turbulent air.  It reminds me I’m alive.

Thirty minutes of turbulence is a bit much.  By the time we touched down I was just about to toss my cookies.  Meanwhile the two ladies (by ladies I mean reasonably hot chycks) sitting next to me had their barf bags in hand for most of the time we were in a holding pattern.  I was thinking we were gonna get some vomit for sure.

The actual landing left something to be desired as well.  I’m not a pilot but I do have some opinions about landing an aircraft.  You don’t wait until the very last second before pulling the nose up.  Ideally both rear wheels touch the ground at almost the same moment and they stay on the ground.  Bouncing the left wheel, then the right wheel, then the left wheel again and then dropping both wheels is not the way this should be done.

And on the subject of the way things should not be done I give you . . . Tara Reid.  Or what’s left of her.

Tara Reid is Burnt Bacon

What.  The.  Fuck.  Happened.  To Tara Reid?

Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away she was hot and delicious. Totally tastingly tempting.  I would have let Tara shit in my face just to see where it comes from.  Look at the gallery below and tell me it ain’t so.

And yes you are correct that Photoshop factors in to many . . . or most . . . maybe even all of these photos.  While that is a reflection on Tara it’s even more a reflection on the fact that few “photographers” exist who can take a photo that doesn’t require fixing.

And a reflection of the fucked up attitude the pop-culture oriented public has towards the female body.  Plastic skin and too white eyes have become attractive to the common idiot so that’s what the common idiot is given.

Enough ranting – on to Tara.

You know you would take a trip to Taradise.

Let’s do the time warp and flash forward.  After years of drugs, booze, lack of exercise and botched plastic surgery this is the result.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Tara is shocked and so am I.

Tara is shocked and so am I.

Tara Reid falls apart in St Tropez.

Tara Reid falls apart in St Tropez.

Tara Reid, skankaly skinny.

Tara Reid, skankaly skinny.

Tara Reid takes sagging to a new low.

Tara Reid takes sagging to a new low.

Morning Tara. Stay up late did you?

Morning Tara. Stay up late did you?

Tara Reid. What's left of her that is.

Tara Reid. What's left of her that is.

Fuck me running Rachel.  This is just wrong.  It’s like defacing the Liberty Bell.  It’s like pissing on the Alamo.  I love Ozzy but still haven’t forgiven him for that.  It’s like wiping your ass with the Declaration of Independence.

Add to all the abuse she decides she needs a boob job.  Yea, like bigger tits are gonna save you.  Women I got news for you.

After boob job. Short and fat.

After boob job. Short and fat.

Before big tits. Sleek and sexy.

Before big tits. Sleek and sexy.

1. Not all men like big tits.

2. Those giant knockers are gonna sag when you get older.  Oh news fucking flash – you are going to get old.

3. Big tits make you look short and fat.

Tara, how could you treat your body like this?  What the fuck is going thru that tiny excuse you have for a brain?

Women – and men – stop putting all the chemicals into your body.  Stop with the surgery to make you look pretty.  It’s not working.  Besides that only plastic people are attracted to plastic people.

This bacon is so burnt I can’t even scrape it out of the pan.

Lindsay Lohan take heed.  It’s not too late for you to avoid going down this path.  But you stand on the brink right this moment.  All you women (and men for that matter) see what could be your future and change now.  I have nothing against a bit of booze and drugs now and then.  Staying up late once in a while will not kill you.  But making these things part of your life every day and then tossing in plastic surgery will only lead to being made fun of on the internet by people like me.

You can eat some cake now and then but how about a healthy diet?  And exercise.  Ever heard of exercise?  Wanna lose weight?  Eat less.  Eat healthy food like meat, veggies, fruits and nuts.  Exercise more.  Having fat sucked out with a vacuum cleaner leads to . . . Tara Reid abs.

And while Tara may act like being made fun of by me doesn’t hurt her feelings we both know that inside she is crying because I will never be inside her.

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