Joan Armatrading = Unicorn Butter Woman

It’s been an eventful week already here in the land of unicorns, butter and women.  This weekend was FoCoMX and I’ve been slamming out photos and videos from the event.  On top of that I had an awesome Monday morning watching a very boring Ignite at the Smithsonian with some of the coolest kids in FoCo and helping to brainstorm a new idea for making $$$$ and inspiring people.  And then more photography and video for my favourite hair salon.  Because I don’t have enough to do.

Now it’s Unicorn Butter Women time.

I was recently asked if a chyck has to be hot in order to be a Unicorn Butter Woman.  Not at all.  To be a Unicorn Butter Woman a chyck has to be awesome in some way and she has to be a chyck.  Now if she is also totally fuckable and makes me cum in my pants that helps.  But hell it’s not required.

Just to prove it today’s Unicorn Butter Woman is awesome but not someone I’m sexually attracted to.  I bet you are all excited now aren’t you?

I should string you along a bit longer.  Except I’ve already given it away in the title.  So I’ll just get the fuck on with it as I know most of you have really short penises.  I mean attention spans.

This week’s Unicorn Butter Woman is . . . 

Joan Armatrading. Awesomeness!

Joan Armatrading. Awesomeness!

Joan Armatrading

Most of you have never heard of Joan Armatrading.  But then most of you have Brittany Spears and M&M on your iPod so it’s not like you have any concept of what constitutes good music.

Those of you who do know her name likely know her for the song The Weakness In Me which was used in some movie I haven’t seen and is not one of her best songs in my opinion.  And my opinion is the only opinion that matters.

The first song of Joan’s I ever heard was Drop The Pilot.  It’s as straight up pop as you can get and still a damn good tune to dance to.  I don’t have all of her albums, but I got most of ’em.  Joan has had an uneven career in my opinion.  In English that means that I haven’t liked all of her albums.  Yet this is a good thing because one of the attributes which makes Joan a Unicorn Butter Woman is that she does different things.  All her albums don’t sound exactly alike.

Drop The Pilot original video:

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She is also a fantastic performer live.  I was able to catch her many years ago in Denver and it was by far one of the best concerts I’ve ever attended.  There were no lasers. No smoke. No dancers.  Joan is a performer who doesn’t need that shit.  The rest of the crowd didn’t need convincing either.  I didn’t think she was going to get to sing as the audience wouldn’t stop shouting and screaming.

You can also assess something about the quality of a musical artist from the quality of her fans. She played an intimate (aka small) venue so the audience was able to move around and interact with each other.  We had plenty of room to move around and dance and talk to each other.  No one was half naked.  No one was drunk.  People where sharing storing about meeting Joan in person and how charming and nice she is.  Everyone know all the lyrics and we sang along with her.  It was a rockin’ good time.

Joan Armatrading, The Shouting Stage

Joan Armatrading, The Shouting Stage

So let’s say for the sake of conversation you are going to pull your head out of your ass and give Joan a listen.  You should start with these three albums.  The Shouting StageHearts and FlowersSquare The Circle.  I think those represent her peak of song writing amazingness.  What helps Joan stand out is her ability to write songs about love and relationships that aren’t the stereotypical shit we get from most musicians.  Most songs about love and relationships are usually about putting some bitch on a pedestal, which is the last place a woman should be (get your bitch ass in the kitchen and make me a pie) or about some idiot (male or female variety) whining about how he/she/it got dumped.  We all get dumped.  Fuck you.  Get over it.

Joan Armatrading live. She still kicks ass.

Joan Armatrading live. She still kicks ass.

Of all her albums I think The Shouting Stage is the most kick-ass ever.  I can put this album on repeat and listen to it for hours.  The title song is fucking brilliant in the crafting of lyrics.  It eloquently expresses the pain of a failing relationship without the high school drama.  The Devil I Know deals with the bullshit of living with a man and trusting him.  Or not trusting him.  Stronger Love is the first song I’ve ever heard to point out that when romantic love fails (and it will) you will need your friends so maybe you shouldn’t shit on them.  You know you do it.  Both men and women do this.  Just as soon as they start fucking someone they abandon their friends.  Then when the breakup happens they find themselves alone with a bottle of gin or a bucket of Ben & Jerry’s.

The Shouting Stage live:

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The closing track is Dark Truths and it’s my favourite of all Joan’s songs ever.  I think she wrote this about me.  Warning, I’m going to be serious for one sentence.  Ready?  Here it comes.  This song makes me cry every time I listen to it. You got a problem with that?  Well I have a problem with the fact that your mother didn’t take a coat-hanger to you when you were in the womb so fuck you.  Dark Truths is moody, dark, deep and means something different each time you listen to it.  Check it out below.

Dark Truths live:

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Meanwhile Joan is 60 years old and still releasing tunes.  This one is from her latest album This Charming Life.

Joan Armatrading

Joan Armatrading

This Charming Life video:

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If you think you can handle someone with more depth that Avril Lavigne (no I’m not going to stop making fun of her juvenile song lyrics any time soon) then this is your first stop.  I’ll be posting more Unicorn Butter Women musicians in the future so be sure you bring your ass back for another dose of butter.

And if you are a hot chyck who digs Joan Armatrading send me a photo of you.  If you are hot enuf I’ll butter your ass.

P.S. for the boys.  I really shouldn’t have edition of Unicorn Butter Women without something nice to look at so here is Mandy Moore doing a cover of Drop The Pilot.

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And because Mandy is hot and might be a future Unicorn Butter Woman and because this edition of UBW was posted so damn late here she is doing Senses Working Overtime by XTC.

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And lastly Joan performing Drop The Pilot live:

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