Kristina Horner = Unicorn Butter Woman

I am currently in New York.  New York state.  Not NYC. When I told people I was going to New York everyone assumed I was going to NYC.  It’s as if the rest of the state doesn’t exist.  I did take a road trip to Jones Beach and in the process of getting from here (Roscoe) to there I saw NYC in the distance.  That was good enough for me this time around.  I’m much happier up in the mountains with trees and plants and fresh air and clear skies.  And rain.  Lots of rain so far.

In fact it’s dumping right now which prevents me from taking the camera out.  Unless I wanna wrap it in a ziplock bag.  Which I’ve been doing for much of the past three days.  Insert “wrap that rascal” joke here.  Get it?  Insert?  Oh I kill me.

I am happy to report that New York does exist outside of NYC.  It’s pretty fantastic this time of year.  I would not wanna be here in the winter however when the snow is dumping ’cause there ain’t no thumping.  What I mean by “no thumping” is their ain’t no Unicorn Butter Women around here to keep a guy warm in the winter.  I don’t know how the locals survive.

The definitive lack of hot babes is pretty depressing.  I think maybe I’m spoiled from living in close proximity to large herds of hotties, both the classy and the skanky varieties. I’m back in Colorado soon and I’m looking forward to seeing some hot ass in tight shorts.  I might even have to go to Beach House and sit in the uber hottie’s section.

Meanwhile I’m up here surrounded by nature and getting my chyck fix via the internet.  And that’s one reason why

Kristina Horner is adorable.

Kristina Horner is adorable.

Today’s Unicorn Butter Woman is

Kristina Horner

Kristina Horner is one of the Five Awesome Girls on YouTube.  I haven’t invested much effort in stalking the other four girls yet.  Maybe I never will.  There is only so much free time in a day.  Kristina quickly rose to the top of the hottie pile however ’cause not only is she adorable but she sings as well.

For those of you not in the know the concept behind Five Awesome Girls is that there are (wait for it) five girls and they are (wait for it) awesome.  Each girls has a day of the week Monday thru Friday on which she has to post a vlog talking about (amongst other things) why that day is awesome.  Kristina is so awesome on her own that I’d keep her around seven days a week. Who needs four other girls?

Unless one is gonna cook, one is gonna clean, and the other two are gonna go get jobs to support Kristina and I as we . . .  I’ll get to that later.  That’s called foreshadowing.  Nice huh?  It’s almost like I know what I’m doing.

She even entertains via the blogging.  Kristina Horner’s blog.

Kristina Horner is awwwwdorable.

Kristina Horner is awwwwdorable.

Kristina is in the band ALL CAPS with Luke Conrad.  They passed through Denver a while back and I blew off going to see them.  I should have got off my ass and done it.  Maybe next time.

I enjoy the humour in the music videos.  In World of Warcraft Ruined My Life Kristina takes a swipe at snakes in the trees in a play on her YouTube handle ITalkToSnakes.  I have no idea what the origin of ITalkToSnakes is but at least it’s original and interesting.  Plus it’s a song about WoW.  Those have to be made.

That was the first ALL CAPS video I saw and still my favourite.  It’s got good music, lyrics which are both fun to sing, such as “I hate that stupid game” and intelligent, such as “I hate that stupid game”, and it’s got a mega-hot smouldering delicious girl.

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Don’t Unplug Me is as fun song as well.  And how cute is that video.  I mean come on.  Cardboard box robots in love.  Awwwww…..! It’s like kittens and rainbows and Skittles.

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Kristina is nerdy enough to satisfy but not too nerdy to take out in public. It’s hard to find a woman who can strike that balance just right.  Wearing a Star Trek uniform to a costume party, a convention or for sex is okay.  Wearing a Star Trek uniform to the grocery store is a bit much.

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By Jupiter's cock! I'd hit that!

By Jupiter's cock! I'd hit that!

Kristina looks pretty hot in a bikini. If you wanna confirm that you can check out her YouTube videos from a trip to Florida.  Much hottness to be found in those.  No I’m not posting one of those.  Go find ’em yourself.

And that brings me to the important part of any Unicorn Butter Women post – crude sexual remarks about how much I’d like to screw this weeks UBW until I pass out from exhaustion.  This week is no exception.  I think Kristina and I could make the perfect vlog post for her YouTube channel.  The Kristina Horner sex tape.  Of course since I’m in it as well we will need a wide angle lens.

This would actually server a dual purpose as she could do a vlog for Five Awesome Girls talking about how the most awesome part of that day was having Skippy’s giant cock sliding up her back door.  ‘Cause with a butt that cute Skippy would be knocking.  I can see it now.  “Today was awesome because Skippy came inside me multiple times.  In fact I’ve still got some Skippy sperm swishing around the various orifices of my body.”  That would be the best video she could ever make.  Unless she made a video where she plays a unicorn.

Super yummy. Like Skittles only better.

Super yummy. Like Skittles only better.

All pervness aside.  ALL CAPS is a fun band.  Check ’em out.  Kristina’s YouTubes are usually pretty fun.  Check ’em out.  Kristina embodies all the attributes of talent and cuteness that make for the best and most tasty of Unicorn Butter Women.

Now I gotta stop playing on the internet and do some work.  Sad but true.  Go check out Kristina and ALL CAPS.  Just remember that she’s mine.  All mine.  You can look and listen but no touching.

Unless you are a hot Unicorn Butter Woman yourself.  Then I’ll be willing to share.  More on that in the future.

One last video to enjoy.

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Additional Stuff: I’m adding this on Wednesday.  I didn’t do a very good job of stalking Kristina.  Looks like I’m slipping.  Or maybe that thing I have called a life is taking up my time.  Kristina has a Deviant Art account where she posts photos of herself which she allows people to use for stock images.  She’s got some nice stuff there.   Most of the images in the gallery below are from her collection on Deviant Art.  Enjoy.

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