Burnt Bacon: Ugly Chycks with Big Lips

I’m hanging out here watching Machete by Robert Rodriguez.  It’s a pretty damn kick-ass movie which I’m gonna tell you ya should check out now.  It’s got a metric shit-ton of political commentary and cynicism in it.  My kinda movie.  It’s got Danny Trejo kicking ass and taking names.  It’s got ridiculing of politicians.  It’s got Lindsay Lohan playing . . . herself.  A hot chyck who wants to model but is busy doing drugs.  It’s got Robert DeNiro and Steven Seagal.  It’s got Cheech Marin, fuck yes!  It’s over the top and rip-roaring.

However, I gotta summer thru Jessica Alba.  In fact she just appeared in a gratuitous shower scene.

Some of you are getting pretty excited about that.  “Wow! Jessica Alba naked!  I gotta see that!” Well I’m here today to tell you that maybe it’s time you got yourself some standards.  I’m a expert on hot chycks. By that I mean that when I’m on a hot chyck I’m an expert.  But I’m also an expert on hot chycks and Jessica Alba is not hot.

This weeks Burnt Bacon is

Ugly Chycks With Big Lips

Jessica Alba Skinny and Tramp Stamped

Jessica Alba Skinny and Tramp Stamped

So yea.  Jessica looks okay in a swimsuit.  She’s got the tramp-stamp going on.  And she looks okay from a distance.  In fact most women are attractive from a distance.  It’s only once you get within range of their voice that they start to appear unattractive.  And yea she’s skinny.  But get up close and strip off the make-up and photoshopping and what do you have?

Not much.

Her face is about as average and nondescript as a face can be.  Other than the big lips.  Let’s talk about big lips.

Jessica Alba, nice from a distance.

Jessica Alba, nice from a distance.

What the hell is so attractive about big lips?  Some of this I’m sure is me.  I am also still clueless on what is so attractive about big breasts.  I know that I’m delving into ascetics here and it’s all subjective but this puffy lip thing is just wrong.  I hear that you can get injections to make your lips puffy.  Really?  How insecure are you?

But look here, when I’m about to stick my tongue down some hot woman’s throat I don’t wanna have to fight my way past two giant air bagsNor do I wanna wake up in the morning, roll over and see something that looks like a cartoon character.

No Photoshop & no make-up - no dice.

No Photoshop & no make-up - no dice.

Jessica is about as homely as homely gets.  With big lips.  And she’s got a good agent.  And money.  And make-up.  And photoshop.  But take away the agent, the money, the make-up and photoshop and what’s left?

Big lips.  Whoop-tee-doo.

Yup, that's how I feel as well.

Yup, that's how I feel as well.

Fan Boy Wet Dream.

Fan Boy Wet Dream.

That brings me to The Horse.  Why – for the love of God (if there was a God, and if I did love him) why – do you people think Angelina Jolie is attractive?  Yea I know.  She’s Tomb Raider.  Back off fan boy before I bitch slap you into next week.

What does Angelina really bring?  Sure, put her in a swimsuit, make-up & photoshop and stand back and she looks okay.  But what happens when reality drops by for a visit?  Let’s play a game.  Not the kind of game that involves me, your sister and the Crystal Jellies Anal DelightLet’s play the Jolie Game.

Here’s how it works.  Look at each photo below and tell me is that

A. Angelina Jolie with make-up and photoshop
B. Angelina Jolie without make-up and photoshop
C. a horse

Jolie or Horse?

Jolie or Horse?

It’s the big lips.  What is it with you people and the big lips.  If I rolled over one morning and saw Angelina next to me I’d scream and shit in the bed. I’d be thinking “Fuck me! Someone put a horse head in my bed. The God Father is coming to kill me.”

It’s time to deflate the lips and start putting attractive people in movies.

Now I’m gonna go back to watching Machete unleash the ass-whippings.  And hope he doesn’t have sex with Jessica’s character ’cause that will just gross me out.

Jolie Press Release: Machete kicks ass. Watch this movie.

Jolie Press Release: Machete kicks ass. Watch this movie.

News Flash:  Machete just made out in the water with LiLo’s character and her mom.  Unicorn Butter fans – you MUST see this movie.

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